


Purple and Gold

by MuscleMemory



Series: You Call And I Respond, The Sparrow And The Song [19]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotions, M/M, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-05
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-04-18 23:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 646
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14224032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MuscleMemory/pseuds/MuscleMemory
Summary: He needs to look at him as if he were frightened to forget his face the moment he’d turn away.





	Purple and Gold

**Author's Note:**

> Had this vision attack me and crush me, had to get it out. Might be a follow up in there somewhere. Usually need a happy ending.

His hand hovers above the dark purple of the satin pillow Alec’s head rests on. His arm and fingers are tense, trembly.

He holds his breath, shuts his eyes, inhales. He opens them, tries to focus on Alec’s sleeping face; his vision blurred, fragments of golden sunshine, purple, the dark of Alec’s hair, the tone of his skin, all slur together.

A ripple crawls up his spine, cold and eerie. He turns his head, gleans behind him, darkness. It’s calling him, though not in the room, as ordinary as ever, but he can sense it.

He doesn’t have much time.

Despite of the awareness, he sits on the edge of the mattress, his dark clothes sliding quietly over the sleek satin, Alec’s body dipping lightly towards him.

His nose is gleaming softly, his cheeks blushed, warm and lovely. He wants nothing more than to shed his own clothes, slip beneath the cover and press into Alec’s heat, hold onto him, never let go.

He can’t do that.

He wants nothing more than to see him open his eyes, smile, kiss him as if it were the first and last time, soak him up, ruin and be ruined by his love.

But he can’t do that.

He needs to look at him as if he were frightened to forget his face the moment he’d turn away.

 _His lashes touch his cheeks._  He fixes onto the thought, one, five, ten seconds. He resigns, pushes the wetness out of his eyes, breathes through the tightness in his chest.

His hand still shakes a little, reaching out to touch the strand of hair fallen into his forehead. A sweet, soft tickle spreads over the tip of skin, and he can’t,  _can’t_ resist.

Warm and smooth, Alec’s cheek against his hand, his thumb brushing the corner of his lips.

His heartbeat thunders, freezes.

Alec stirs, and sudden panic convolutes his insides. A rub of his forefinger and thumb, a blue spark ignites, expands and flows gently, lulling him into deeper unconsciousness.

_I’m so sorry._

He gives in, accepting every piece of guilt, his body bending, his forehead touching, pressing to Alec’s, his hands cradling his face, his fingertips digging into his skin desperately, loosen with gentleness. No piece of him is whole anymore, all is torn.

It’s agony, the need to be closer, the necessity to part. He breathes him in harshly, his mouth dragging over his nose and lips as he violently pulls himself backwards, ripping his own heart, body and soul, not bearing Alexander’s pain to come.

He stands, a storm inside him, golden eyes flashing with desperation and rage, every part of him buzzing, roaring.

He presses his fingers into his temples, forces himself to breathe, in and out. An image flashes before his eyes.

Alec’s face, breathtakingly beautiful, illuminated, radiant and happy, bright enough to chase and swallow each and every darkness. His eyes so vibrant and fond, it stilled his being, laid him bare.

_Because I realized what you were looking at, was me._

He pauses, drops his hands, gifts the unknown world his saddest smile.

He’s always chased his darknesses, gripped them and turned them into something worthwhile. Because he stayed, he fought, he  _loved_  more fiercely than any immortal being he’s ever known.

And now he has to shatter that love.  _Him._

Were he any weaker, he’d crumble with his broken heart. He may just be pretending.

But he still has hope, he still takes comfort in knowing the same love will give him more strength than magic, than his heritage. Alexander’s love will be why, if he comes out of it alive.

He looks back once more, icy despair shifting into warmth and adoration, his eyes speaking the words his mouth cannot.

_Be safe, Alexander, my love._

_Don’t try to find me._

_If the time comes._

_If I can._

_I will find you._


End file.
